An anonymous follower emailed me this this morning. Well, anonymous to you. I think she makes some great points so wanted to share to create a dialogue. To who wrote this, thank you for sharing. Favorite line. ”Until it’s right, it’s wrong”. Good words.
I wanted to share this because I think it’s something a lot of dating books and people do not necessarily say. The love of your life is not going to come at a set age, or time. You can say you want to be married by 28 or 30 or whatever, but if you don’t meet the right person you are either going to find yourself single or worse, trying to marry somebody that might not be right. Divorce rates sky rocket in our country not because love is broken, or people are bad. It has nothing to do with men wanting to sow their oats, or women wanting to trade up, or any of the other stereotypes. It’s because everybody’s trying to get it for the sake of having it or doing it because they feel they are supposed to along some kind of timeline, to make someone they’re with happy, etc. It is not the kind of thing you want to rush. If you’re not finding ‘the one’ or you’re finding plenty of people to date or short term relationships, it is likely that you need to grow somewhere to get and create the relationship you want. It does happen right away for some people, and lasts forever. For most of us, it’s a series of crash tests intended to bring us a little closer to who we need to be in order to get the relationship we want. Note that says who we need to be — it has nothing to do with who the other person is. At least, not right out of the gate. It also isn’t about a 20 point check list of what someone is about — but everything about how you recognize love, how you need to be shown love, and whether or not you can recognize the unique way someone gives and receives it, and ultimately if either you can be satisfied with that or not. When someone loves you, and when it is right, there is no things you need to say or do. Having witty answers about who you are, trying to be interesting on purpose, etc is not going to land you the person who will love you for who you are. If you’re boring, so what. There is a person for you out there. Be yourself. Because any effort to say or do the right things is an act, and acts are very hard to keep up. Avoid it. Be yourself and have the confidence and trust that someone on the other side of the equation is going to love you just as you are.
When you love someone, you will know. It is not a feeling. At all. It can bring some great feelings. But it’s an act. It’s an act you want to give that person no matter what. It’s an act that makes you accept and work around their flaws, it’s an act that makes you be considerate of them, remembering the little things that make him or her happy. We get way too caught up in the feeling of love, and that is a big reason why so many people think they ‘love’ someone when they really do not. When it is love, and it is mutual and right between the two people, it is like nothing you have or will ever experience in your life. It is the same kind of love you have for a family member, or a friend, only richer and more intimate. It is a cousin to the love you might have for your child. It’s a love that makes that person beautiful to you no matter what they are in, how they are, what is going on. You will love that person whether they are well rounded and cultured and traveled, you will love them and want to see everything about them, experience them to the fullest extent. You will walk to the ends for this person. And vice versa.
So put away the things you think you need to be. It isn’t about whether or not you order a sandwich or a salad. Ask yourself if you’ve got issues within yourself preventing the love that you want — that is what you need to work on, not making sure you did not answer his or her text quickly so you don’t seem to eager, or any of that other nonsense advice. And when somebody loves you, you will know. You’ll know because it will be effortless. Not just on the first date or the second date or the 100th, but for years and years. If you find yourself constantly angry, constantly citing what is wrong with someone you are with, ask yourself if you are just a chronic complainer, or if this person is truly what you want.
As a good friend said once, until it’s right, it’s wrong. Every time you meet someone, don’t use the filter to figure out how they make you feel because feelings fail. Ask your gut instinct: Is this person someone I can date, or is this somebody who I could have a relationship with? And take your time. Get to know him or her. It’s a marathon not a sprint. It’s an act not a feeling. It’s natural and nothing you are or aren’t is going to make it happen or not, with exception to your needing to heal somewhere that’s preventing love from happening in your life. That’s love.
- An anonymous follower
Can’t have said it better myself